I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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