If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
