Swine flu is the new snow day.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
