3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wish I only lived at night.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
