That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
