so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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