With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
