what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
