I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
