you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Can't talk, ducks in the car
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
