I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
