my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
