Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
