that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
