Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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