i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Everyone says I win the strip club
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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