shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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