Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
