I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
i think my cat just said my name.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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