Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize