My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
