Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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