can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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