I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
love makes seman taste better
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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