Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
