I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
