I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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