This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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