I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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