I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
