i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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