i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
