You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
