she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
