I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
