i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
