Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
