You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Randomize
