it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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