Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
