I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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