the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
