I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The air was thick with penises
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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