cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
