Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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