Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
