Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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