I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
