just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
