You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
