I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
