May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We left an ass print on the piano.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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