If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
