Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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