Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
