It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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