Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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