last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
